Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The parental guilt comes creeping back....

I have not had much to update here on M. Since it is not right in my face every day it is a little easier. But of course, that doesn't last forever, now does it?

So, DH and I are working from home last Thursday and I am on a business call. M is blowing up my phone on the other line. I get off my call and see a text from M saying she is about to be dropped off at our house. So I ask if she is picking up some more things and she calls and says, no, that is not why I am coming over. She says she has no where else to go. I told her that was not my problem and she tells me it is my problem. I told her she can stop by but she cannot stay. I am standing firm that she needs to attend rehab before she so much as spends the night in my home. She tells me she will need a ride back to where she was staying. I told her we are working and then we had plans - she never even asked for anything, just assumed I would do what ever it was she needed. She tried challenging me asking what those plans were..

She never showed. Instead, a couple of hours later she sends me a text saying how sad it is that the one time she is in the area, I wouldn't even let her come by the house. I explained to her that it was how she handled it. She is welcome to come visit or stop by but ask me ahead of time. Do not just tell me you are about to be dropped off at my house because you have nowhere else to go. You have places to go, you don't want to go there. She then texts, "whatever you wouldn't even let me eat and I haven't eaten in days".

I have to admit, this killed me. The thought of my daughter starving and homeless was enough to have me an emotional wreck. My instinct was to run and bring her food. Give her a grocery store gift card. Anything to help. But where would that get her? She would be satisfied for the moment but then what? I have tried helping soooo many times and it got us nowhere. I know I have to let her hit bottom. If I bring her food, that prevents her from hitting bottom. If I save her, I am preventing her from hitting bottom. But this is SO hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever done. The last time she brought the hunger pains, I ran to rescue her on the promise that she would enter rehab the next morning. She lasted two days in rehab.

Now that I am thinking a bit more clearly....I have to admit I think I fed into this. When I talked to her not too long ago, I asked if she was eating. I told her as a mom, I worry all the time. I gave her the name and number of a women's homeless shelter, a food bank in the town she is staying and the phone number to call for food stamps. She must have saw that as a way to pull my heart strings knowing hunger would get to me. But I have been told many, many times that the right thing to do is always the hardest. Well this was HARD, so I pray it was RIGHT.

BUT, life cannot be too hard for her. I did let her know that her grandmother and cousin are looking for a roomate and she could always go back if she needed to. She never responded....