Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The parental guilt comes creeping back....

I have not had much to update here on M. Since it is not right in my face every day it is a little easier. But of course, that doesn't last forever, now does it?

So, DH and I are working from home last Thursday and I am on a business call. M is blowing up my phone on the other line. I get off my call and see a text from M saying she is about to be dropped off at our house. So I ask if she is picking up some more things and she calls and says, no, that is not why I am coming over. She says she has no where else to go. I told her that was not my problem and she tells me it is my problem. I told her she can stop by but she cannot stay. I am standing firm that she needs to attend rehab before she so much as spends the night in my home. She tells me she will need a ride back to where she was staying. I told her we are working and then we had plans - she never even asked for anything, just assumed I would do what ever it was she needed. She tried challenging me asking what those plans were..

She never showed. Instead, a couple of hours later she sends me a text saying how sad it is that the one time she is in the area, I wouldn't even let her come by the house. I explained to her that it was how she handled it. She is welcome to come visit or stop by but ask me ahead of time. Do not just tell me you are about to be dropped off at my house because you have nowhere else to go. You have places to go, you don't want to go there. She then texts, "whatever you wouldn't even let me eat and I haven't eaten in days".

I have to admit, this killed me. The thought of my daughter starving and homeless was enough to have me an emotional wreck. My instinct was to run and bring her food. Give her a grocery store gift card. Anything to help. But where would that get her? She would be satisfied for the moment but then what? I have tried helping soooo many times and it got us nowhere. I know I have to let her hit bottom. If I bring her food, that prevents her from hitting bottom. If I save her, I am preventing her from hitting bottom. But this is SO hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever done. The last time she brought the hunger pains, I ran to rescue her on the promise that she would enter rehab the next morning. She lasted two days in rehab.

Now that I am thinking a bit more clearly....I have to admit I think I fed into this. When I talked to her not too long ago, I asked if she was eating. I told her as a mom, I worry all the time. I gave her the name and number of a women's homeless shelter, a food bank in the town she is staying and the phone number to call for food stamps. She must have saw that as a way to pull my heart strings knowing hunger would get to me. But I have been told many, many times that the right thing to do is always the hardest. Well this was HARD, so I pray it was RIGHT.

BUT, life cannot be too hard for her. I did let her know that her grandmother and cousin are looking for a roomate and she could always go back if she needed to. She never responded....


  1. Hey, well done.

    Tough love, must have been hard for you. Must be bad for her to, but she'll twist it to make you the bad guy.

    When she realises she's messed up, as long as you're always clear you love her and will help her in any way other than supporting her habit, that when she's clean, she's welcome and you'll stand beside her, she'll thank you for this.

  2. Thank you John. I tell her ALL the time that I love her and I do - with every fiber of my being! I also told her that I will help her get into treatment to help herself any time she is ready to go. She still swears to me she does not need a program. Swears she is not using. The pictures I saw that she posted on Facebook tell me different. She doesn't look healthy, but looks like she tries to put a mask on. Still in denial. :(

  3. That is so hard. No matter what I have never denied my son food either, I will take him to eat, I will let him eat here but I simply can't have him spend the night. He isn't homeless for now, will be soon so it will be interesting to see how that goes. Hang in there. Is she 17? If she is can't you force her in to treatment? I didn't think at that age they could leave? My son is always saying he is clean. I used to believe it until I read so much about addiction. It is VERY RARE that anyone can just stop but they don't need to hit rock bottom either.

  4. Tori - I have put her in rehab twice and twice she was discharged because she didn't want to be there. And that was at 15 and 16. I have called several places and no one will take her if she does not want to be there. My only option is to have a judge sentence her. She needs to be caught on her warrant so I can get in front of the judge and ask him to do that.
    She is 17. In our state, that is a legal adult. My hands are tied.
    And the latest, she posted on Facebook last night that she lost her dog. She is going to be devastated if she cannot find that dog...

  5. I don't even think most kids should be considered an adult at 18. I am writing a letter to the Judge with some things that I have found about why 30 days doesn't work since that is all he sentenced him to even though we request 9 months and WE WERE PAYING FOR IT NOT asking the Courts for State Aid or anything. I don't think our Court system purposely does this but they don't understand unless they have first hand experience. The more I read about addiction the more I realize 30 days isn't going to cut it. Maybe 90 days won't either or 6 months but it is a lot better then 30. I keep calling his PO in hopes they will arrest him soon. I know that a lot of people don't agree with what I do with my son, but if he had Cancer I wouldn't wish him luck and send him off. I hope she does get caught. I recently found out that Meth is one of the drugs that do not require detox so that is good. I worry about my son the first time he doesn't detox in the hospital or rehab but at the same time I would rather him be in jail then out on the street. Even though that won't really help him, a few months in jail may help him to want help. We never know what will help our children.

    Praying for both our children.

  6. I went walking and ran into a neighbor of mine. We started talking and she eventually told me that her sister is a recovered heroin addict but her brother is still addicted and living on the streets. She said that she used to buy him food, etc. to help him out, but she realized that even something as innocent as a sandwich is harmful to his recover if he doesn't want the recovery, yet. The reason being the money he saves himself not buying his own sandwich, is money he will use for drugs. It sounds so harsh, but there is wisdom to that. I am devistated by the hurt parents feel. How do you disconnect? It is so hard to love and disconnect. Is it possible?

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