First of all, I want to thank you all so much for your comments and support!! It honestly means the world to me to know that I am not alone, and that this really does happen to people from all walks of life...
I did text her this morning to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day and told her that I love her. I want her to know that - always. Well, she took that opportunity to try and make me feel guilty about blocking her cell phone. Says if I love her, I will turn her phone back on so she can get calls for job interviews. Says that I am putting a burden on her because she cannot find places to stay, or rides to places, etc. I explained that her life as it is right now is a result of her actions and choices, not mine. I certainly did not want this life for my daughter.
And then there is the other side of me that thinks maybe shutting her cell down leaves her with no opportunity to get a real job. That maybe it forces her to the criminal lifestyle. I certainly don't want to do that, either.
She asked if I would turn it back on if she paid the bill every month.....and so I sit debating.....what do I do? I certainly don't want to enable her but I also don't want her to not be able to get a legitimate job. So....what do I do? Advice?
That is enabling, turning her cell phone and her giving you money. Why take that on?
ReplyDeleteShe can go to the store and get a pre-paid cell phone and then when she doesn't pay she faces the consequences because they don't extend based on pleading and promises.
Words from an experienced dad, in the cell phone battle. We shut off the cell phone and because "his" truck was actually in our name and the liability issues were enormous, so, the truck disappeared too one day. Plus my own sense of right and wrong would not allow us to be a part of him driving while under the influence, what if he hurt someone and we knew he was an addict. How do I live with myself then?
Be a strong mom.
What Ron Said. If you REALLY need to help her, go buy one of the $20 prepaid ones and give it to her. then, let go. If she runs out of money on it, so be it. That's a hand UP not a hand OUT. Big difference.
ReplyDeletelove the pay as you go cell phones...that's what we went to also,..perfect for this situation. We went through all of that cell phone crap. Stay strong,...and realize that you deserve your boundaries.
ReplyDeleteBuy a "pay as go" phone for her; you know she's going to cane the credit and then sell the phone though, don't you?
ReplyDeleteAn addict has to want help to change; they will not change through force. You need to remain a constant presence in her life, with consistent boundaries; don't fund her habit. She can't be fixed unless she wants to be.
I'm a heroin addict. I used to be a crack addict, but went through rehab as my life was unmanageable and I hit the depths of being homeless, unemployable and all the rest of it.
I sorted myself out as a result, but I choose to use heroin, and I guess I'm addicted. I don't use daily (I have morphine prescribed for joint pain, but also as a gear substitute). I am happy with my addiction, because I am stable, secure and have the rest of my life sorted.
Her life can change, if she wants it to. She needs to break contact with those she knows, and try to do something new. It's a long road, full of relapses, and it's horrible for those who have to watch, but she has to decide her future herself.
My blog:
http://pinsgrinsandsins.blogspot.com
Another blog that would be well worth you reading
http://junkylifenaomi.blogspot.com
It's always so damn hard to know what you should or shouldn't do for them and they sure know how to play us. I agree with Ron......
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't do it. If there is a job she thinks she has a chance of getting, she can check back with them in a day or two. Stay strong - I know it's easier said than done one some days but, remember you have us for support!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through an Addict in my Son's Bedroom. I have a nineteen year old son who is a drug addict, so I can relate to the parental hell you are going through. We are still going through hell, so I have no answers - it's terrible the situations we find ourselves in as parents of drug addicts, the choices we try to make, always questioning what the outcome will be. I can relate to your last post about your husband. My husband and I are in the exact same position. He has given up on our son and moved on. My therapist says that is just his way of dealing with the pain. I don't understand it though, I am in tremendous pain too, but will never, ever give up on my son. As long as we are both still breathing, I will have hope that he can recover. I'm sorry that you are going through this - you are not alone.
Hannah, I just read your blog and feel every ounce of your pain.
ReplyDeleteI will say that I have seen my husband shed tears over our daughter and so I know how much he loves her and that he feels pain. He is just so much better at detaching than I am. It's like he was built with the right tools for the situation. Wish I had them!
We did decide to allow her to pay her cell bill until she turns 18, or we switch carriers. I do admit, though I know it is enabling in a way, it's a bit selfish on my part. I want to think she is truly looking for a job but it also keeps the lines of communication open and it lets me know that she is still alive...
Thank you to all of you for your comments - this has been a tremendous support for me!
Hi - my blog has moved - I get quite a bit of traffic from here so I hope you don't mind me plugging the new address;
ReplyDeleteworkingandpinning.blogspot.com