Tuesday, February 22, 2011

He is waiting for me....

My husband and I love to walk in the warm weather and it has been absolutely beautiful here!! So after dinner last night, I grabbed T and we went to the park. As we were walking and discussing M as we do often, he made a very interesting analogy. I told him how much I admire that he seems to have this built in un-enabler. He seems to know exactly how to handle the situation we are dealing with. He says it is because he was her many, many years ago. And he was. It is completely amazing to me that he is not her biological father - the two couldn't be more alike. I had my issue, too, but while mine only lasted about six months, his lasted about four years.
So he tells me how he rode the roller coaster ride with M for a while and he knew he had to get off. So, he got off and said he has been waiting by the exit for me to get off ever since. He says he sees me go by and he waives to me to let me know he is there but I just keep going around...

I think I am actually doing very well. I do not feel guilty about not taking her on vacation with us this year and I am really looking forward to a drama free week. :)

I did talk to her yesterday. She called me and the phone conversation was very strange to me. It was really like talking to another adult. She sounded more mature. She sounded happy. Dare I say it? She sounded sober. She claims she is getting chubby and is "getting better". She asked how I was doing and actually seemed genuinely concerned for me. She said she understands her problems affect more people than just herself and that she is very sorry for that. That actually impressed me. We talked about the warrant she has out for her and she said she has been staying out of trouble, but may end up turning herself in to get it over with. She seems to think if she does some time in lock up she will be off probation when she gets out. I don't know about that, but I will sit back and let her deal with her own problem. For too long now, I have been the only one inconvenienced by her probation.
She tells me her boyfriend and her are leaving on Thursday to go to the neighboring state to visit his family for a week and she asked if we would dog-sit for them while they are away. Normal people probably wouldn't find this weird, but after everything we have been through lately, it struck me as funny to be asked to dog sit while they go on vacation.
I do know that she has been with her old, old sober friends. That is a good sign. Unfortunately, what brought them all back together was one of their friends tried taking his life and lived. He shot himself in the temple and is fighting for his life in the hospital. Heartbreaking. But he is alive, so there is hope. And he is in one of the best hospitals for gunshot wounds. So, please keep him in your prayers...

I hope she is maturing. I hope she is sober and happy, but as parents of addicts, we all know the ball will most likely drop at any time. And so I keep myself guarded. I have hope, but not unrealistic expectations. I know there is nothing I can do to change any outcome. I have no control over her - never have, never will. So, I will continue to sit back and just let her know that I love her. I tell her I believe in her and I know she can do anything she set her mind to. I also know that she is SO defiant, if I tell her to be sober she will purposely not be. So, all I can do is pray and live MY life. And I will.

A saying I read the other day that made me think of her - it is not about how hard you fall, but how gracefully you get back up.

1 comment:

  1. I just came across this blog, and I will say what many have already said.

    You are not alone.

    My son is a recovering heroin addict, 21 years old. He has been sober for 18 months. I have accepted that he has a disease, and there is no cure. But, for now, for today, life is good.

    Stay strong...